This week, I would like to address an issue that I hear, at some point, from almost
every family who contacts me for help:
“If I speak up, complain, demand change from the teacher(s) or the administration,
they will target my child and retaliate by hurting my child in some way.”
Parents are not wrong when they suspect that some teachers or administrators
might be tempted to humiliate, embarrass, or punish a child if that child’s parent
is perceived as “causing problems” at school.
Teachers and administrators are human. If a teacher feels as though s/he is “in
trouble” with their bosses because of parental complaints, or if an administrator
feels irritated or angered by a parent’s demands for a level playing 'eld for a child,
the temptation to take out this frustration on the child can sometimes get the better
of their professional judgement. I’ve seen it happen. My own kids have
experienced it.
So what do you do? Keep your mouth shut and just try to get through the year?
That won’t help your child, and will actually teach your child that people in positions
of power can treat them (and you) any way they want. Talk with other parents,
gossip and complain to others, but not confront those in a position to do anything? I
know I am guilty of this one myself, at least as a first step. It can certainly give you
courage to know that you are not alone in your experiences or perceptions of a
teacher or a school system. But if you leave it there, you are still teaching your
child that when someone treats them unfairly, all they can really do is complain
about it, and take it. That is the last lesson I want my kids to learn from me.
What I recommend, with or without the “complaining and getting support” stage of
things, is requesting a meeting with the party or parties involved. If my kid has a
teacher who is acting like a bully, I will meet with that teacher first to explore
whether my child is playing any role in creating the problem, or if they might
possibly be misunderstanding what a teacher is trying to do. Maybe the teacher is
trying to use humor to lighten a situation and encourage a student to be able to
laugh at herself, but your child experiences this as the teacher laughing at them in
front of the class, and is humiliated and embarrassed. Maybe your child is
challenging the authority of the teacher, who is trying to “save face” and control a
rowdy classroom. Sometimes, what your child tells you has another side to it. So
try to go in with an open mind. Our kid’s brains are not fully developed, and their
perceptions are not always accurate. Take a deep breath, take a step back, and ask
the teacher or administrator how s/he views the situation, and try to get at how s/he
feels about your child. Then explain, as nicely as possible, how your child is
experiencing or interpreting things. Sometimes, this is all it takes to improve what
could have become a very stressful relationship for everyone involved.
Other times, the teacher or administrator can behave TERRIBLY.
If you end the meeting with steam coming out of your ears, and a feeling
that your child’s perception is 100% accurate, write an email and send it to the
principal. If the principal is the problem, send it to his/her boss. Include dates,
names, times, and detailed descriptions of what your child has experienced, and
how you have tried to resolve the issue, and the result of that meeting.
Let the recipient of the letter know that you expect a response within 5 business days,
stating what they have done or plan to do to resolve the situation. If you are
worried about retaliation, say so in this letter. Letting someone higher up in the
system know that you are concerned about a “revenge” mentality, makes you much
more credible if any sort of revenge is actually attempted. You may also state that
any perceived revenge or retaliation against your child, because you are advocating
for him or her, could result in legal action. Even the threat of a lawyer is usually
enough to encourage bullies to walk on eggshells around you. They may even bend
over backwards to keep you from suing. This might be a good time to contact an
advocate or a special education attorney to help you file a formal complaint or
grievance.
Teach and prepare your child how to handle what might happen after you meet with
the teacher or administrator. Listen to their fears, and role play what the child
could do in each and every possible situation. Let him/her know that you also want
to know if the teacher or administrator is nasty to them, punishes them unfairly, or
embarrasses them in public. Let the child in on the plan that you make to respond
if the event of retaliation. This makes you and your child a team, instead of the
child feeling like the adults are all upset and that they have no say or control over
what happens. Work on “assertive” vs. “aggressive” responses by your child.
Something as simple as a verbal “I don’t appreciate that comment, Mrs. Smith,” can
be very powerful, coming from a child or teen. Encourage the use of “I feel..”
statements, and discourage angry outbursts, name-calling, or “I’m gonna tell my
Mom/Dad!” types of responses. If a child might be very upset by something a
teacher says or does, work out a plan of action to help your child cope, even if it
means going to the office and calling you to come and get him/her. Any teacher
must know, in this day and age, that if they get too nasty, some kid in the class is
bound to record it on their phone or computer. You might even encourage your
child to do hit the ‘record’ button, if a situation warrants it.
We can’t ever completely protect our kids from jerks, and heaven knows that we all
encounter enough of them throughout our lives. The sooner we can teach our kids
how to cope with jerks, without getting down on themselves or making things
worse, the happier, stronger, and more confident they will be. Actions have
consequences, even for those with tenure or high positions of power. You can take
any conflict or angst our of the situation and make it an opportunity for your child to
learn how to stand up for him/herself. If you haven’t yet learned this lesson
yourself, let an advocate help you and your child through the process.